Bear with me for a bit of silliness 😉
Sometimes I feel cheated when I read the Spoon Theory which many people with chronic illness seem to love so much. I’m not of fan of the spoon theory. I think it’s a horrible analogy to tell you the truth. For one thing, where are all these damn spoons containing energy? I don’t even have two chopsticks to rub together to try and generate my own energy most days! It implies we can save energy up…. which is not possible, at least not when you have oxygen dependent PF. You can rest all you want but still have no energy. Mostly what you have is determination and some days you can’t find that either.
For me, it’s like an elephant sitting on me, and every morning it’s there. It’s the first thing that greets me when I gain consciousness. I just feel like I can’t possibly move or get out of bed with it sitting on me, but I struggle and I get up anyway. I carry it around out of sheer will till I can’t anymore. I always start out with negative energy and have to psyche myself up to face the day. That elephant never leaves, even when I sleep, but it’s obviously easier to sleep than to try to walk around with the damn pachyderm on my back. It feels like at any moment you are going to lose your footing and be crushed. So you rest, and you rest often, because feeling like you are going to be crushed and suffocated is a damn scary feeling, and that’s what it’s like living with PF. It’s not about energy containing flatware 🙄….it’s about avoiding getting crushed by an ornery wild elephant that may go rogue at any moment 😖 .
Actually, elephants are way too cute for the analogy (I love elephants) , but I can’t think of another huge/heavy menacing animal…so maybe it’s an elephant from the upside down….and its soul has been sucked out. Yeah, that’s it exactly! …. Spoons are worthless when faced with a body and soul crushing elephant. But that little spark of your own soul is what ultimately beats it back and controls it, at least for a little while until it gets too exhausting to carry it any longer. Some days the elephant wins and some days I do, but it’s not because I have any extra hidden silverware. The elephant isn’t tamed by spoons, but if you work with it, show it some respect, it may not crush you, at least not today.